he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
