I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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