the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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