life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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