i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
