I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
