I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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