Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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