The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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