Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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