I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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