it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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