my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
