I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
