omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
