i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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