My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
