I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
