I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
