I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
