"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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