dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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