I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
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pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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