I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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