I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
