Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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