my vag is so smooth its legendary
I checked into jail on foursquare
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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