So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
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I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
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Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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