i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
