1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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