I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My cat gives me a boner
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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