I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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