PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
