Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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