somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
