Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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