the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Randomize
