can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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