My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
