I'm really into asian looking animals
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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