I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
