i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
