the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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