Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
