I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
