i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize