He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
