dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
