All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
