the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
