Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize
