woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
