i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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