He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
