Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
