There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
