I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
