I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
